i guess its been good i havent been blogging, but at the same time it was very unbalanced due to facebook. as a result, i have deactivated my facebook. to be honest, it feels good.
i feel like i'm really bad with unbalancing my social life. to be honest, i don't always like to hang around a lot of people. and when i do, i feel uneffective sometimes. i'm torn between wanting to be a recluse and be a social butterfly. i wish i could have both, but i really couldnt get more bipolar than i already am. not that its a bad thing, i just see it was one of my quirks.
everyone has quirks. everyone has flaws. i guess i'm just reassuring myself that.
so mountain view. i got 2nd n 3rd. for the 100mHH, a girl fell into my lane. i jumped over her and jumped over the hurdle right after. i give my knees a thank you.
which reminds me. my left knee has been hurting for a while now. its like, RIGHT UNDER THE PATELLA AND IS DULL.
and its very annoying. it sucks. but the great thing is, it doesnt feel like the past all over again.
so about the past.
ever since i can rememeber, i have been injured my entire athletic career (which is extremely scattered). just when i was getting faster for the mile and training for it, i was diagnosed with asthma. i could remember coming home crying, sitting in the bathtub full of ice remembering how much it hurt. it doesnt feel good to be broken, with a pulled glute, 2 pulled hamstrings, shin splints, and osgood schlatter. not to be all whiny, of course.
there was the lung. it started in december, where my chest all of a sudden started to feel really heavy. i thought i could run it off. but it was there again the next day. i remember not being able to beat timmy chuang on warmup runs anymore. and it felt really weird. what i didnt know was that i would never be able to run without that heavy chest feeling. not only that, but it feels relaly raw in the throat. my lungs feel a strain, the cough feels raw and heavy. sometimes its hard to push yourself, because theres a conscious decision to make. theres a difference of feeling pain in the muscles from the lactic acid (or more specifically, the hydrogen ions pumped) and the pain in your chest and lungs. its the decision to save your lungs and push 100%, or give out 110% and recover the next couple days.
but its been getting better over the years.
then there was THE ANKLE. 3 pulled tendons my frosh year in mt. pleasant relays, the one school that has all the state level hurdlers. (btw, state level is pretty much impossible to make.) i remember getting into the ground, 3 point stance, ray telling me to run something i've never run before. i remember the kind of unknown fear you get, kind of like jumping into a hole and not knowing what's inside. i didnt know the pace, i didnt know wat competition was, i didnt know how to hurdle the way high schoolers did. i thought i did, but i really had a lot to learn. and the ankle made me learn.
anyways, to make a long story short, the last 50 meters before the last 2 hurdles, i landed my lead leg into the hurdle. i came down, landed on the side of my foot, where i heard the muscles tear. i fell chest down with my hands on the track, and right when i knew wat had happened, the hurdle that i stepped on flipped and landed on my back.
it took me 6 months. 6 months of sticking my feet in ice, and a combination of crutches, braces, therapy, massages and wraps. 6 months of not knowing what would happen. it wasnt even broken. i wasn't broken.
but the feeling of scar tissue when you do what you love, it really pushes ur buttons, you know?
so why am i talking about this?
i talked to natasha sakeller yesterday while i was doing warmups. i asked her how to stay motivated.
i wont lie. 2nd semester is always hard for me, and i'm sure it is for quite a few people.
she talked about how there were people who couldn't walk. and that God had given her a talent. she said that you force yourself on this track everyday, and theres no reason to half ass.
i don't believe i half ass when i do get to go to practice. but i know i am wrong about this year's season. i am wrong about the way i've approached it, and the way i've felt about it. it feels wrong, i know its wrong, and i know my coach knows it too. we've known each other too long to ignore it. i've taken this for granted, something i've wanted for so long, something that has saved me from killing myself.
it saddens me that i've forgotten the meaning of what this sport has done to me and for me, and i'm trying to remember. i forget what its like to be so sad about everything, to feel ruined. and thats why i've been taking it for granted this season.
its going to be my reformation.
i <3 u.
ReplyDeleteand i know what you mean. but a lot of times, (or at least for me), you feel wrong and like you're not giving it a 100% because you never give yourself a chance to recover after you give it a 110% percent. that's what happened in senior year with tennis. i worked my ass off freshman through junior year, and so i just started half-assing it senior year. not because i wanted to, but because i had nothing more left to give.
i took a break and didn't touch a tennis racket all the way through spring last year. thats when i started playing again, and my love for the sport has reignited. i play 12-15 hours a week now (the most i've done since playing in high school), and rather than being in denial about giving it my all, i'm in denial about my injuries (i have shin splints, a twisted ankle, a torn tendon, and a pinched nerve). rather than actually taking time off and resting like i was told to back in high school, i just throw on all kinds of compression sleeves, pop 4-5 motrins a day, ice it, and keep playing. it's all for the love of the sport.
don't be retarded like me and abuse your body unnecessarily, but take a break (like during the summer or something), and take the sport away from yourself and so that you're artificially lose it and realize the gift that you have.
on second thought, that sounds like majorly retarded advice, but hopefully you'll make the right decision haha.