wow.

i wish i were this talented. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0v3d6SFcDys

i want to share poems with you.

this is from my hearty day at VNA (poetic!), and we wrote poems. 

it is i

the immigrant

knowing that my ancestors were once prohibited from entering the shores along the amber waves of grain

and here i stand, pledging allegiance to the very country that banished my race

the tainted blood we carry, flowing through our very veins

i am asian. they do not believe i am like everyone else. 

before i die, i pass on the memories of this to my children

and hope that the judgements we all once carried are gone

before i die, i wish that the internment camps of my cousins no longer exist

and look toward the future without such discrimination

against me, the model minority

before i die, i awaken to dream of the days where we can truly be called americans

and walk alongside all people without the meaning of race.

this is an edited version:

before i die, i will pledge allegiance as an american

young, full of hope

what does the future have in store for me?

i love my country

so i pledge allegiance

i will hold my head up high, up to the great blue skies

i will place my right hand over my heart

and feel thebeating that soothes my soul

i wish to roam the lands, free to see and take in everything

i wish to be someone who is looked upon as 

brave, courageous, intelligent

i want to be heard

and i want to be seen

so here i stand, pledging allegiance to the very country that once banished my race

the tainted blood we carry, flowing through our veins

and so i pledge

i pledge to fear no more

to look up in the sun and not see a despondent end

but instead see a glowing future

before i die, i awaken to dream of the days where we are truly americans

and walk alongside all people without the meaning of race.

so.its been a while.

yeh so its been a while! hi everyone! again!

i guess its been good i havent been blogging, but at the same time it was very unbalanced due to facebook. as a result, i have deactivated my facebook. to be honest, it feels good.

i feel like i'm really bad with unbalancing my social life. to be honest, i don't always like to hang around a lot of people. and when i do, i feel uneffective sometimes. i'm torn between wanting to be a recluse and be a social butterfly. i wish i could have both, but i really couldnt get more bipolar than i already am. not that its a bad thing, i just see it was one of my quirks.

everyone has quirks. everyone has flaws. i guess i'm just reassuring myself that. 

so mountain view. i got 2nd n 3rd. for the 100mHH, a girl fell into my lane. i jumped over her and jumped over the hurdle right after. i give my knees a thank you. 

which reminds me. my left knee has been hurting for a while now. its like, RIGHT UNDER THE PATELLA AND IS DULL.

and its very annoying. it sucks. but the great thing is, it doesnt feel like the past all over again. 

so about the past.

ever since i can rememeber, i have been injured my entire athletic career (which is extremely scattered). just when i was getting faster for the mile and training for it, i was diagnosed with asthma. i could remember coming home crying, sitting in the bathtub full of ice remembering how much it hurt. it doesnt feel good to be broken, with a pulled glute, 2 pulled hamstrings, shin splints,  and osgood schlatter. not to be all whiny, of course. 

there was the lung. it started in december, where my chest all of a sudden started to feel really heavy. i thought i could run it off. but it was there again the next day. i remember not being able to beat timmy chuang on warmup runs anymore. and it felt really weird. what i didnt know was that i would never be able to run without that heavy chest feeling. not only that, but it feels relaly raw in the throat. my lungs feel a strain, the cough feels raw and heavy. sometimes its hard to push yourself, because theres a conscious decision to make. theres a difference of feeling pain in the muscles from the lactic acid (or more specifically, the hydrogen ions pumped) and the pain in your chest and lungs. its the decision to save your lungs and push 100%, or give out 110% and recover the next couple days.

but its been getting better over the years. 

then there was THE ANKLE. 3 pulled tendons my frosh year in mt. pleasant relays, the one school that has all the state level hurdlers. (btw, state level is pretty much impossible to make.) i remember getting into the ground, 3 point stance, ray telling me to run something i've never run before. i remember the kind of unknown fear you get, kind of like jumping into a hole and not knowing what's inside. i didnt know the pace, i didnt know wat competition was, i didnt know how to hurdle the way high schoolers did. i thought i did, but i really had a lot to learn. and the ankle made me learn. 

anyways, to make a long story short, the last 50 meters before the last 2 hurdles, i landed my lead leg into the hurdle. i came down, landed on the side of my foot, where i heard the muscles tear. i fell chest down with my hands on the track, and right when i knew wat had happened, the hurdle that i stepped on flipped and landed on my back. 

it took me 6 months. 6 months of sticking my feet in ice, and a combination of crutches, braces, therapy, massages and wraps.  6 months of not knowing what would happen. it wasnt even broken. i wasn't broken. 

but the feeling of scar tissue when you do what you love, it really pushes ur buttons, you know?

so why am i talking about this? 

i talked to natasha sakeller yesterday while i was doing warmups. i asked her how to stay motivated. 

i wont lie. 2nd semester is always hard for me, and i'm sure it is for quite a few people. 

she talked about how there were people who couldn't walk. and that God had given her a talent. she said that you force yourself on this track everyday, and theres no reason to half ass.

i don't believe i half ass when i do get to go to practice. but i know i am wrong about this year's season. i am wrong about the way i've approached it, and the way i've felt about it. it feels wrong, i know its wrong, and i know my coach knows it too. we've known each other too long to ignore it. i've taken this for granted, something i've wanted for so long, something that has saved me from killing myself. 

it saddens me that i've forgotten the meaning of what this sport has done to me and for me, and i'm trying to remember. i forget what its like to be so sad about everything, to feel ruined. and thats why i've been taking it for granted this season. 

its going to be my reformation.

celebrity rants.

1. lady gaga is my effin' hero.

2. paris hilton is overrated. i dont know why she's famous.

3. why is miley cyrus famous? i think a lot of people are more talented than her.

but to add in my APUSH complexity, she is pretty good at writing songs. u know she's written over 250 in her life? 

she also wrote a book. her biography. how much can you fit in your 16 years? 

my bibliography would start out with my mothers womb.

"hello, i was a zygote."

... i'll think of more later for my "bibliography" how insightful can i be?

4. can i sing like christina aguilera?

5. i never thought kevin bacon was attractive. ever. sorry.

6. not a fan of tila tequila. in all honesty, i dont think she's very useful to society.

7. kal penn. MAJOR PROPS to the guy. that would be pretty sick, no lie to work for obama.

8. kat deluna's face shape irks me.

!!!

michelle got asked to senior prom at the concert today! other than that, i found it pointless.

i fell asleep in the choir room. i have hay fever.

does it ever bother you when u have food, and the layer of fat solidifies? fuck damn those single carbon bonds. 

anyways with the hay fever, will and i do NOT want to run tomorrow. 

speaking of running, i am now 2nd ranked girl in mv. i'm happy for the 1st, more than happy. she deserves it more than i do. i think the junior rut (at least thats wat i call it) gets to me. something i wanted so badly since i was 10 has now withered away. 

i wanted to maintain 1st. i wanted to go to ccs finals. i wanted to go to states in memory of price. i wanted to make the school record. 

i wanted a lot of things, and now i think its tragic that i really no longer care for them. there really isnt a lot of pressure for me to run any faster. its not like my parents like me running. 

so why does it bother me that i dont care?

i'll write later.