oh good, it's break.

the title is supposed to be sarcasm - it's one of my many talents. deadpan cynical humor makes life a little more bearable, i'd like to think.

when i'm back here, i think of how i felt that you were what it meant to be home. that when i return its like i never left but at the same time it is all so foreign and mysterious to me. i forget my roads sometimes, the faces seem so vague, but you helped ground me. probably in a really bad way.

right now i dont feel anything anymore. i'm so tired. of you. of me. of me thinking of you. i have dreams about you every night and all i can think about is why i can't let go of you. am i not enough? good enough? ur the only one who can make me feel perfect just the way i am, an escape from any pressure there is, and someone i completely trusted because i thought i was special to you. that i knew more about you than others, that i could be just as much as a friend as you were to me. you became what i consoled in, my comfort, my hope that maybe all this gushy shit existed.

i dont know what youre thinking. or feeling. if what you are doing is all just a lie and a front. but maybe what was considered us was all a lie and a front too. that all i was was a girl you could just go to so you would feel less shitty about being alone. that i was just someone you could take advantage of. that the day you said you loved me, u just needed some sort of vice to make you feel better.

i want to regret, then forget, then move on like it never happened. i wish it never happened. this sick twisted us lasted over year and all of a sudden its like all i know how to do now is keep the past alive.

because i'm really good at being composed.

i don't miss you as much, but i miss your family and it sucks that i don't get to be a part of it. i don't think about it as often, and it's pretty proactive for me to be mad at you for the first time in my life. i saw her the other day and it made me miss all the get-togethers and dinners and seeing them all together and it was a comfort to know what great people they were. and theres you.

i love how you don't let me express how i feel. merry fucking christmas.

you.

you. you made me be done with you.

you can go for any other person, because i'm sure you think that you can get anyone you want. and you do. and thinking about it makes me so angry at you, and sad because sometimes i feel i lost the best person there was for me.

i hate you now. this is the third time. you know, all this time i thought we were waiting for each other, and like that one republic song we were always running back to each other because that's essentially what we always did. that in the end, after everything you did to me, i still loved you. that before i went to bed, i wished for your hand to hold. not just a hand, your hand. that it felt i was so far away and no matter how far away i was from you my feelings didn't change. that i miss the way you held me and told me you wouldn't leave, that i was different, and that i was special. and no matter what, you still felt the way i did even when i had left and was long gone.

and it was you. you are the only person who i can never say no to, think irrationally, be down on my knees and beg you not to leave another time. that i am willing to put myself out on a limb for you, bring myself so low to have you again. and it's only you. that you can make me feel like there is nothing wrong with me, that i'm perfect the way i am, that i don't have to feel so inferior when i'm at school compared to all of the gorgeous girls on campus. that without all of my titles, pressure from the world, when i am stripped of all of those things you will still love me and my composure.

you say you have changed, but in the end you tell me it was a mistake, you never loved me, and it cannot be. after you set me up. three times.

it has been over a year, you and i, and even still after all this time it never seems to end and sometimes when i feel i should not be irrational i think that all of this time must mean something. that it is still you in the end, all of you and your family and being a part of your life that only i was allowed into.

do you know what i needed from you? to know what you wanted. or what you want. i cannot have you be a coward and ignore me and then tell me after a month that you still want me in your life because all you feel is something empty and live a half-assed life without me. i needed you to prove that you meant it, that it was different, the situation changed, that i could finally put my faith and trust in you like i once had.

but you cannot keep doing this to me, teasing me that i am that one you cannot be without then tell me it will not work. i'm done. for the first time i feel defeated, so done with the rest of the world that i don't have the drive to do anything else in the world and i realize that i am now left feeling rotten, empty, and more and more unhappy as each day passes. i hate you, i hate you for what you have done to me, what you are doing to me, and all of the emotional abuse that i just cannot take anymore. i hate you so much and all i can do is think about how much i don't understand you and wish i did.

ah damn.

i know i'm not supposed to, but i miss you. sometimes.

but when i do, i miss you so much. and all i do is sit for hours and think about you, hope you're thinking about me too, wishing things were like it once was. i guess.

you are not my logic, or reason, or anything that makes sense for that matter. but i guess i liked that sometimes. in my eyes, you were my other half. the part of me i could live without but lacked. but i don't always like to think it all through, whether it is/was right or wrong, good or bad for you and i, or just you or i.

but when i go to bed i imagine you are lying next to me holding my hand. when i wake up i think of you, you looking into my eyes waiting for a conversation to erupt.

i think i've moved on in the sense of where i am now is where i belong, i dont know if i want to go back to what there was before, but just to know that theres something in the future. i think. or not even the guarantee, more of the possibility. that we will all progress and we'll talk again, laugh again, look at each other and just know this is what being happy is supposed to be.

or what feeling safe around a person is supposed to be.

i'm glad i'm here because i can never see you and i may never let myself see you again. but i miss you. so much. and sometimes i wish you knew that. and sometimes i wish i knew what you were thinking. and how you were feeling. you're pretty bad at that, but i think you make more of an effort to express yourself when you're with me.