you.

you. you made me be done with you.

you can go for any other person, because i'm sure you think that you can get anyone you want. and you do. and thinking about it makes me so angry at you, and sad because sometimes i feel i lost the best person there was for me.

i hate you now. this is the third time. you know, all this time i thought we were waiting for each other, and like that one republic song we were always running back to each other because that's essentially what we always did. that in the end, after everything you did to me, i still loved you. that before i went to bed, i wished for your hand to hold. not just a hand, your hand. that it felt i was so far away and no matter how far away i was from you my feelings didn't change. that i miss the way you held me and told me you wouldn't leave, that i was different, and that i was special. and no matter what, you still felt the way i did even when i had left and was long gone.

and it was you. you are the only person who i can never say no to, think irrationally, be down on my knees and beg you not to leave another time. that i am willing to put myself out on a limb for you, bring myself so low to have you again. and it's only you. that you can make me feel like there is nothing wrong with me, that i'm perfect the way i am, that i don't have to feel so inferior when i'm at school compared to all of the gorgeous girls on campus. that without all of my titles, pressure from the world, when i am stripped of all of those things you will still love me and my composure.

you say you have changed, but in the end you tell me it was a mistake, you never loved me, and it cannot be. after you set me up. three times.

it has been over a year, you and i, and even still after all this time it never seems to end and sometimes when i feel i should not be irrational i think that all of this time must mean something. that it is still you in the end, all of you and your family and being a part of your life that only i was allowed into.

do you know what i needed from you? to know what you wanted. or what you want. i cannot have you be a coward and ignore me and then tell me after a month that you still want me in your life because all you feel is something empty and live a half-assed life without me. i needed you to prove that you meant it, that it was different, the situation changed, that i could finally put my faith and trust in you like i once had.

but you cannot keep doing this to me, teasing me that i am that one you cannot be without then tell me it will not work. i'm done. for the first time i feel defeated, so done with the rest of the world that i don't have the drive to do anything else in the world and i realize that i am now left feeling rotten, empty, and more and more unhappy as each day passes. i hate you, i hate you for what you have done to me, what you are doing to me, and all of the emotional abuse that i just cannot take anymore. i hate you so much and all i can do is think about how much i don't understand you and wish i did.