can you consider this a midlife crisis?

i'm changing. this is like emotional and mental puberty for me all over again, where i'm questioning whether or not i made the right choices. i'm not sure.

but for one, i miss my litap class more than anything in the world. god, what a great class. it reeked of everything beautifully intellectual in the humanities.

but i digress.

i used to feel like this:

now just pretend the mirror isnt there anymore.

the week after i graduated, i put away all my MV stuff. like, all of it. i guess my thinking was that if i was able to put it all away, the nostalgia would never really sink in. i could focus on college. a college that i should look forward to going to. now i feel a little numb, a little empty, a little bit of nothing all around.

i spent four years in an institution working my ass off, which i think really fit my personality. but now what? i don't have much of an identity anymore, stripped clean of everything that created me and i've created in turn. not that it wasnt partly my fault. i knew this was coming, and being so numb to it all i just didn't know how to handle it. i'm terrible at all of this stuff.

i'm terrible when it comes to relationships with others, especially the attachment part. wow, i'm kind of shitty at it all. i'm even more terrible when it comes to goodbyes. it's like nothing really affects me anymore. i realized that my priorities came before my friends - my friends were last, and i think i came out of high school completely alone. not ALONE ALONE, but i guess more like no social group, no one who asked to spend time. yeh, it seems somewhat pathetic and really pitiful. well, i should be thankful for what i do have. couple people to talk to online, different kinds of guys n gals willing to hang out at any time of the day, those sort of things. when i'm not sitting on my ass (which is in a lot of pain, btw) those are the things i look forward to most. well that and tutoring because 1. she's learning stuff 2. i make money.

so it has come to my realization (hence my purpose of this post) that a lot of things and people in my life post-graduation have seemed to disappear off the planet, and i didn't really do anything about it. i decided to take a break. a REAL BREAK. after 4 years of none and with intern opportunities not quite fitting to my ever-so-short summer schedule, my summer is completely and utterly free. shocking, eh?

here comes the shits n giggles. with all of this free time, i have been sitting on my ass for too long and now i have a chronic cramp. but more importantly, all of my nothing-to-do lists and hours on the clock waiting to be spent at warped speed with double booking schedules have all now accumulated. and it is..... halfway through summer????? since i have nothing to do, i spend a few hours tutoring, always a few hours dedicated to hangin' one-on-one with people, and then this. the lonely quiet where i realize that my identity, the busy part of me, seems to no longer exist. so what am i now? the lazy bum who once had dreams to change the world? the tightass organizer with a resume that had everything and now has none?

i WAS the person i wanted to be - there was a reason why i did so many things back in those 4 years - i wanted to erase everything bad from my past, everything bad when i came home and realize i could BE so much better than that. and now, i have new things. i dont have a plan, and i have time. the most distressing combination ever. i strived to be ambitious, charismatic, energetic - it seems almost silly to complain about it when i was on asb and felt i couldn't always handle the pressure so i shut down. now that it's all over, i dont know what to do with myself. the time makes me feel alone. and lazy. and slow. three things i never want in my life and did everything in my power to eliminate.

i'm afraid i will no longer be strong-willed and independent, i'm afraid that i have lost almost everyone in my life (THAT or i'm afraid that i'm terribly insecure and paranoid as usual), and i'm afraid that not everything will work out for the better. either i have lost myself or have found a new aspect of myself that i have stifled for so long. it doesn't always seem very surreal to me.
well anyways, i have 6 weeks to figure it out before i leave.