wwwwooowwwwwwwwww

amazing. beyond words.

she's relaly good, btw.

http://www.lemondrop.com/2009/08/20/kiera-brinkley-quadruple-amputee-dancer-2/

LOL ADI.

i was talkinga about

i gave them a hint

for the countdown game

and i said

i purposely gave you a hint cuz i want you to know that the more people you know, the more people there is who can potentially help you so get to know as many people as you can here

then is aid

every person is like a book, waiting to share its knowledge. at the end of your existance your life is measured by the size of your library

Sent at 10:29 PM on Wednesday

Adi: ohh i see

and thats an african proverb?

Catherine: yeh

Adi: it sounds american

Catherine: too bad!

Adi: africans dont have the money for libraries

no offense or anything

how anticlimactic!

i am wearing the jumpsuit.

it is now MY jumpsuit.

it has my name ironed on, with the symbols that define me.

the silver-lined music notes and the treble clef that distinguish me from the other 6, and they will have their own personalizations that will make each and every one of them special in their own way.

i have the recycle symbol, indicating my transition to green-ness. yum

i almost want to put a cat next to my name, "CAT". we ran out of letters.

i am wearing the jumpsuit i waited 3 years for.

and it doesn't even fit me.

oh, dickies.

this makes me so angry

http://personals.aol.com/articles/2009/08/05/female-body-type-men-most-prefer/?icid=main|aimzones|dl4|link5|http://personals.aol.com/articles/2009/08/05/female-body-type-men-most-prefer/

>:O

.

what if i got emancipated?

who wouldve thunk?

people ask me why i blurt out random thoughts and info.

msn.com is the reason why. it has everything i need. <3

This is the hair-part breakdown, according to the Walters:

• Men who part their hair on the left are often popular and successful. People perceive them as strong.
  
• Women who part their hair on the left are considered reliable and intelligent. It's a smart move for those who work in politics or business.
  
• Men who part their hair on the right are seen as radical and open. These men should be strong enough to overcome the stigma against men with this part.
  
• Women who part their hair on the right are viewed as gentle and feminine. Because it is a more traditional style, it can affect how seriously they are taken.
  
• People who don't part their hair, can't part their hair due to baldness or use a center part come across as trustworthy and wise.

Handwriting Style: Small Script.

What it may say about you: If your writing is on the small side, you might be coming across as introverted and socially reclusive. However, small scripters are also known to be very detail oriented and methodical. If this sounds like you, perhaps you should look into a position where research is an important aspect of the job, like newspaper journalism or pharmaceuticals. You just might find that you have a knack for digging through sources to find the right information and your little letters will help you to squeeze a lot of information into a small space.

Handwriting Style: Large Letters.

What it may say about you: People who write in huge script are often displaying their large personality and extremely social nature on paper. Do you often find yourself being the life of the party? When it comes to jobs where working in teams is important, like in public relations or the hospitality industry, this quality will often be appreciated by your peers. Just make sure you're not so focused on being the center of attention that you miss out on what your colleagues have to say. Loner jobs aren't ideal for you, and you're better off in a lively environment where there is a good amount of face to face interaction.

Handwriting Style: Downward-slanting letters.

What it may say about you: If your letters lean down, this may sometimes appear as though your words are connected to pessimism and an unpleasant disposition. Only you can know whether or not you're a grumpy employee, and even if you're in a troubled industry like real estate, if you notice that your "p"s and "q"s are looking a little droopy, you might want to observe your interactions with colleagues to see how your presence is being received.

Handwriting Style: Upward-slanting letters.

What it may say about you: Whatever you're writing, it makes others feel like things are looking up! Everyone in an office appreciates the energy that an optimist brings to the workplace, and if your writing slants upwards there is a chance that you are among the most desirable of officemates. An upward slanted style can also be indicative of honesty and a strong will to succeed, and those qualities will serve you well in any field of activity, but especially in the field of training and at not for profit organizations.

Handwriting Style: Dark, bold strokes.

What it may say about you: Those who use a heavy hand and a good amount of pressure when writing are often thought to be people who are not afraid of commitment. Being able to take on commitment and owning the space (and the pages!) around you is certainly a positive attribute, especially in a field like consulting or banking. However, if your handwriting shows excessive pressure, then it might be a sign of aggression and a quick temper. In addition, you could be causing unnecessary physical stress to your hand and wrist.

Handwriting Style: Faint, light strokes.

What it may say about you: Most of the time, writing without too much pressure on the page displays an easy going nature and a level of sensitivity towards others a great trait in multifaceted industries like travel. But write too lightly and you run the risk of showing no confidence or liveliness at all, and nobody wants to hire an employee who doesn't have at least a little pep in their step and ownership of their words!

Handwriting Style: Squished words and cramped sentences.

What it may say about you: The way your words bunch together can often be a direct translation to how you create your personal relationships. If you write with little or no space between words, you may be a person who likes little or no space when it comes to people. The positive aspect of this could be that you are a social person who enjoys the company of others, which works wonders in an educational career or in recreation. However, leaving too little space between you and your colleagues might lead some to think of you as intrusive, so be sure to find a balance.

Handwriting Style: Words and sentences that are extremely spaced out.

What is may say about you: If you prefer to be alone or feel the need to have your own space at all times, look to see if your written words and letters reflect this by being far away from one another. Everyone needs space from time to time, but make sure that you are not sending yourself and your message to outer space while everyone else is trying to get work done as a close-knit team. Being a top level employee means having to work in groups on occasion, even if your career is an isolated one like those in computer software and hardware, so if you have tendencies towards creating distance, then you might need to make an extra effort to reach out to your colleagues.

priceless.

www.textsfromlastnight.com

630): Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.

(508): We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.

(205): Do you want the good news or bad news first?
(678): bad news
(205): The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.

(864): weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

(909): You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie

(201): i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around

(972): P.S. I can't hear my feet

(505): I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.

1. i'm not any of these people

2. this is terrible.

my list of heroes.

andy warhol

ash kalra

stephen colbert

quotes i really like.

when we speak, we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. but when we re silent, we are still afraid. so it is beter to speak. - audre larde

every person you meet is like a boook waiting to share its knowledge. at the end of your existence your life will be measured by the size of your library. - african proverb.

never apologize for showing feeling. when you do so, you apologize for the truth. -benjamin disraeli

i challenge you to think about it.

just think about it.

this is the kind of good stuff i get to learn in APALI.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggc88cWWlKc

writers block.

i feel like this.

all this college essay crap and prep is hard.

its kind of confusing, but i think i'm getting the general gist of it.

i need the secret life of the american teenager, stupidly enough.

do you know what beauty is?

do u know what beauty is?

this is what i believe beauty is. It is poety. whether that be something from shakespeare or spoken word (i am a HUGE fan of spoken word), then it really is within the eye of the beholder.

i believe this is beautiful because i understand it.

If You Want to Know What We Are
by Carlos Bulosan

1. If you want to know what we are who inhabit
forest mountain rivershore, who harness
beast, living steel, martial music (that classless
language of the heart), who celebrate labour,
wisdom of the mind, peace of the blood;

2. If you want to know what we are who become
animate at the rain’s metallic ring, the stone’s
accumulated strength, who tremble in the wind’s
blossoming (that enervates earth’s potentialities),
who stir just as flowers unfold to the sun;

3. If you want to know what we are who grow
powerful and deathless in countless counterparts,
each part pregnant with hope, each hope supreme,
each supremacy classless, each classlessness
nourished by unlimited splendor of comradeship;

4. We are multitudes the world over, millions everywhere;
in violent factories, sordid tenements, crowded cities;
in skies and seas and rivers, in lands everywhere;
our number increase as the wide world revolves
and increases arrogance, hunger disease and death.

5. We are the men and women reading books, searching
in the pages of history for the lost word, the key
to the mystery of living peace, imperishable joy;
we are factory hands field hands mill hand everywhere,
molding creating building structures, forging ahead,

6. Reaching for the future, nourished in the heart;
we are doctors scientists chemists discovering,
eliminating disease and hunger and antagonisms;
we are soldiers navy-men citizens guarding
the imperishable will of man to live in grandeur,

7. We are the living dream of dead men everywhere,
the unquenchable truth that class-memories create
to stagger the infamous world with prophecies
of unlimited happiness_a deathless humanity;
we are the living and the dead men everywhere….

8. If you want to know what we are, observe
the bloody club smashing heads, the bayonet
penetrating hallowed breasts, giving no mercy; watch the
bullet crashing upon armorless citizens;
look at the tear-gas choking the weakened lung.

9. If you want to know what we are, see the lynch
trees blossoming, the hysterical mob rioting;
remember the prisoner beaten by detectives to confess
a crime he did not commit because he was honest,
and who stood alone before a rabid jury of ten men,

10 .And who was sentenced to hang by a judge
whose bourgeois arrogance betrayed the office
he claimed his own; name the marked man,
the violator of secrets; observe the banker,
the gangster, the mobsters who kill and go free;

11.We are the sufferers who suffer for natural love
of man for man, who commemorate the humanities
of every man; we are the toilers who toil
to make the starved earth a place of abundance
who transform abundance into deathless fragrance.

12.We are the desires of anonymous men everywhere,
who impregnate the wide earth’s lustrous wealth
with a gleaming fluorescence; we are the new thoughts
and the new foundations, the new verdure of the mind;
we are the new hope new joy life everywhere.

13.We are the vision and the star, the quietus of pain;
we are the terminals of inquisition, the hiatuses
of a new crusade; we are the subterranean subways
of suffering; we are the will of dignities;
we are the living testament of a flowering race.

14. If you want to know what we are
WE ARE REVOLUTION!

email of love

Mrs. CG!

So I don't actually know how many parts I will send you, but I guess that brings the element of surprise :) I promised I would keep you updated, so HERE GOES:

I went down to SoCal the day after the last day of school to visit my sister. She had her Revelle College Commencement the following day, which seems almost bittersweet. Connie graduated with honors, and I am enormously proud of her but it is also upsetting that she leaves a school she loves a year early. It wasn't her intention to finish early, rather it was my parents who suggested it and ultimately decided for her in April. There are definitely pros and cons to the decision, but I admire her ability to adjust so quickly.

We spent the next few days touring around a couple campuses, and before we left San Diego, my sister took me to ERC's Language Studies building (which is beautiful, by the way.) I've really learned to love UCSD a lot more than I did before; it has a calm city feel to it. I feel that the environment is like the perfect compromise between Santa Cruz and LA (but not quite as busy). I'm declaring PoliSci for SD, because my sister has told me so much about the program and there's the perfect opportunity to go to UCDC, and I've heard it's a fantastic internship opportunity. I've had long talks with my sister and Cesar (you'll hear about him later in this email) about declaring majors. I think I have a clearer view on the pros and cons to both history and polisci, and my parents have agreed that I should alternate between those 2 when declaring. You know how I really wanted to steer clear from PoliSci? My sister had this reasoning: She said she has seen me go for a lot of leadership positions and get active in MV, VNA, APALI, etc. and she says polisci is the sensible thing to do. In all honesty, I'm really not the academia type unlike Connie (by the way, she's going for her PhD). I've always tried so hard to be scholarly by working harder, but it doesn't harmonize with me the way it does for other people. I either work hard and do mediocre in classes, or I work my butt off and burn out as a consequence soon after. She says she hasn't seen me excel in grades, rather she sees me excel more in applying what I know into reality. In some ways the explanation is flattering that I may sound more street-smart than book-smart, but at the same time I can't help but feel inferior than the other textbook braniacs around this place. Plus, polisci has a lot of networking (or so I hear) which is perfect for if I DO ever want to get into politics. But I can't deny the history aspect, which really shows me the way to research and write. Cesar said that whatever I do choose will give me a good base, but in different ways. He ALSO said that polisci in cal is focused a lot on Socrates and Plato, and I'm not entirely sure how applicable that could be.

SO. I also got to visit Irvine (very very pretty) and its ever-so-intriguing concentric architecture and Middle Earth. The Claremont Colleges were really something I didn't quite expect, just because they were SO SMALL. I walked down one of the streets and i ended up from Claremont Graduate University into Pitzer College (on the other side) and didn't even know that i had just passed by Scripps and Harvey Mudd. I got to see their library, which was almost like the environment of the Cupertino library, but all the books into congested bookshelves and spiral staircases smack in the middle of the shelves. Even though it was 7 stories high, I honestly felt unimpressed. It's not that they aren't good schools (because they're fantastic), but I'm just not sure if I can really feel a kind of connection with the school. I'm still deciding on whether I should apply to Pomona and Claremont-McKenna. I feel that Cupertino has wrapped me in a safe bubble, and I can't help but wish that I could just break out and expose myself to a more cosmopolitan society. It may be early to tell, but I just have this predilection for larger schools, because I don't think I'd feel like i'm moving from safety bubble to safety bubble.

Speaking of bubbles, I absolutely love San Jose and Mountain View. I've only been there a couple times, but i never really got to see the cities themselves. I got to take care of Mr. Hick's cats for about a week (One of them, Honey, is super scary and hisses are people but Sage is SO sweet and is pretty much like a teddy bear. Please don't tell Mr. Hicks I thought one of his cats was life-threatening.) I actually GOT to pass by downtown Mtn. View, which really is so congested with a bunch of eclectic shops and restaurants. ANYWAYS, I go to San Jose about 2-3 times a week, right in the middle of downtown. I've started to catch on the street names, which makes me feel so New Yorker-like. I was even able to direct Daniel (Stenzel) around the city until he tried to get back to Cupertino and we ended up in Milpitas. I work on Mondays and now more recently Fridays as well in the Alfred Alquist Building. So far I've worked on constituent letter and email responding on the Legislative Constituent Management Database. My director, Lorraine says that I catch onto jobs and finish them pretty quickly (all while I pig out on Sun Chips!) so I have 2 projects to do in my spare time in the office-the 1st one is creating a database for all the contact information for the Departments of Health in all UCs, CSUs, and Junior Colleges. This way, Diabetes Awareness pamphlets can be sent to the respective school, since Joe Coto is huge on health. He's also against standardized testing! I think I got the best office ever. I signed up for a state senator and for the public policy VNA project, but instead I was assigned an assemblymember and public health VNA project. I was initially disappointed, since I only get to work 1-2 days out of the week (because of summer APALI) and didn't get anything I signed up for, but it was amazingly easy to adjust to the schedule and I really love what I do right now. In hindsight, it may seem like I drive over just to do ordinary secretarial work, but I realized that there's a lot to learn in the office. There are random pamphlets and coloring books everywhere that I get to read, and every constituent letter requires a Bill Report along with it. This basically gives the Assembly or Senate Bill background information for easy access. There are such a variety of bills needed to be put in priority, and it's really great reading such personal letters about such a variety of issues that affect us all. And! I took the light rail for the first time! Instead of paying 18 freaking dollars every time I park in SJ, i just drive to Campbell and take the light rail. SUPER fun. and practical. and green. Everyone should use transit- I should never drive to another city again. :)

The highlight of work? Responses about the budget- particularly emails. Cesar (one of the people I work for) gives a big long sigh every time he hears the words "Governor", "Arnold", or "budget". I have read manymanymany emails calling Joe Coto a Marxist, Neo-Marxist, and the New Vladamir Lenin. People are so creative.

I believe I have the best balance in schedules. Because I spend less than half my week in the office, my Tuesdays to Thursdays are spend in summer session of APALI. Basically, this is an Asian American Ethnics class combined with a Leadership program. Intense? TOTALLY. This class is from 9:30-4:30. I read, annotate, participate in discussions, and listen to panel speakers everyday about a variety of topics. It's such a great way to utilize my APUSH knowledge (by the way, I should let you know that I got a 5). I've always been a little partial to taking ethnic studies courses, just because I used to feel that it blamed other races. Now I realize, that although it may seem like a "I hate white people" class, it's up to the person to see any sort of class like this in that perspective. Instead, this course really touches upon our American history, but in the eyes of Asians and Pacific Islanders in particular. I've always found it upsetting that there are holes in social science curriculum, but you're right- it is inevitable because there is just TOO much stuff to study. And because of that, I learned right off the bat that these are classes people need to take along with just ordinary history classes- textbooks teach us the Eurocentric version of an era; who won and dominated even though people may have declared legal injustices at the time. I feel that I'm really furthering my knowlege into something greater, just so I can see the whole picture. Each day is just as exhausting and as intense than the previous one, and it's a class that I feel like I belong in. On a more personal note, with just 3 days I've learned to cherish the class so much because most of the time I feel like I don't quite fit in anywhere, especially Monta Vista, regardless of hangout groups, class officer/ASB, MUN conferences, classes, and other various activities. But as soon as it's time for small group discussions, I can personally talk to my teacher aka intern whenever I want, and learn off from others in a Socratic seminar kind-of environment. People are interested in identity and history just as much as I am, which I really found to be a struggle throughout my sophomore and junior year. I sometimes feel that choosing a field of study that is typically considered out of the norm for MV is something that makes me feel isolated in a sense, and in some ways I feel extremely misunderstood and/or judged. Instead, being in APALI or blackle-ing (I don't use google, I use www.blackle.com because it's a black screen that saves energy. Did you know that the energy to power 2 Google searches is enough to boil a cup of tea? You learn something new everyday.) a random history event, or even going back to skim my AP/APUSH notes (yes, I still do, because a part of me has not detached from my ex-boyfriend, Bailey) just makes me feel a little more tranquil- almost like it's a sign that I'm MEANT to learn this stuff.

I'm pretty sure that I have given you quite a plethora to read (but no complexity!). I believe that's as much as I can explain in words as of now, but I will be sure to update you on more things to come; there's a lot of in-between details I have not told you about yet! *suspense*

Anyways, I really hope to hear back from you soon with all of your WONDERFUL summer break details and fiascos! I hope you're doing well and the sun is treating you nicely :)

-Cat

restart!

its time to restart.

i need to blog more. why? because i'm flippin' out. i'm flippin' about you-know-what-everyone-dreads-by-senior-year again.

its all that runs through my head, and it makes me upset. hopeful. capable. useless.

one thing i want to say is they need to stop playing games with our minds.

report cards came, basically. need i say more?

i cried. i moped. the whole shebang. it makes me so much more scared than i already am.

movie updates:

transformers 2: eh.

moon :). it wasnt bad at all. i wouldn't say spectacular (though some parts of it yes) but its was overall not bad at all.

up: i cried. and it was really good.

ever think back on your 3 years and think u did nothing but everything at the same time?

i think its so sad that i promise myself to remember things, and i dont. i don't care about superpowers, what i care about it remembering.

i forget what studying was like my freshman year because i now take aps. i forget the part of enjoying what i learn because a teacher helped me with that. example? mr. hicks from biology. he made it so much fun. i didnt have to TRY to like it, i just had a burning passion for biology.

apush, to be honest, was only a bit of that. i had to try really hard to like it, and it was fun. but in a very studious way. anyways, something that has been in my head.

i want to be a history major. or political science.

1. people need to stop giving stereotypes to polisci undergrads cuz its NOT TRUE. its a legitimate major, so people need to stop talking sh*t about it. it makes me like this >:O

2. history majors can do something with that major.

one of the things thats been really hard for me is others not quite understanding that what i love to study maybe isnt something that is the most popular choice. i feel people dont understand me for that, that maybe i've loved social studies my whole life. and didnt admit that i wanted to do this for the rest of my life, until now. i used to read stories late at night about greek philosophers and all the mythological stories because it intrigued me.

you know wat i love about history? you study stories. lives. its like talking about yourself and other people, but its not gossip. its actually about learning how to see someone in a real light, not putting abe lincoln or gandhi on a pedastal. but its about learning people. what they've done, how they have impacted each and everyone of us because they wanted to do SOMETHING. the ones who are the most famous were the ones who were incapable of fitting in. i dont think history is dead just becauase it talks about dead people, history is dead because people stop pursuing intellectual discussions and reading.

that reminds me. i think people should read. we take it for granted. think of all the people who are illiterate and would give their lives to learn how to read a title. watch the movie the reader. it helps you understand- it helped me. that and my sister being an lit major n all that really drives me.

anyways, my passion for the subject makes me the most secure, and the most insecure. i'm the most secure because i found something, i found something to read and learn and study and talk about for hours and hours and it makes googlesearch my best friend (guys, use blackle.com. its eco-friendly.) and i just read more stories. i make ush references to my parents to the point where they think i sound like a teacher. and ask me questions.

i love it to the point where i think i'm a steady relationship with the subject. i red until my head pounds with information. i dont know how to explain how or why i love it, but it feels alive. i didn't grow to love it, i just loved it. and somehow feel like history started loving me back, like one of those instant best friends except you never have to worry about loyalty :). it's natural to me, i may not be the best apush junkie and get a's on my tests (i've never had an a on a test, but i have gotten an a in class. weird.), but it flows in my mind for me. i hve felt out of place my whole life, and here i bury my head in the life of a dead person and his/her society and it feels like i found a place where i belong.

!!!!

fuzzy pillows!!!!!

mm.

i fucking feel like this.
i'm not gonna lie. i'm stressed. extremely, very, absolutely stressed to the point where i feel truly unhappy and am now an empty shell with unsociable, empty conversations. 

i hate my grades, i hate my sats, i hate the way i've been built, and i hate what my mentality has become.

ive lost my personality, my soul into a black hole, and i don't even know where it came from.

no matter how hard i try, i never seem to do well.

it sounds like i'm a quitter, like i give up, and i'm so afraid of people judging me; i feel that everyone around me thinks i'm so unintelligent. 

and maybe i am, maybe i'm not. i know what i want to hear, but it really means nothing. again, it's only what satiates me for a small amount of time before i wallow.

wallowallowallowallow.

you know i hate?

i fucking wake up every morning. like everyone else.

but i wake up, knowing i didnt run a leagues.

i didn't run. I DIDN'T RUN. i didnt runrunrunrurnrurnrurru;lkfdsaj ;lkjfdsa ;lkjfdsa;lkjfdsa

my stupid, fucking, ap test that was completely horrid and it ruined MY season.

i ruined part of my own season, and i admit it. and i'm sorry for that.

BUT I DIDNT RUN. 

i think of gilroy everyday. i remember last year, on a saturday that was 103 degrees and i was on the verge of dehydration. i was tired, sweating out my spandex, and nervous to the point where i wanted to go home.

i hated what people were saying. don't they know i'm right in front of them?

u know i hate about cupertino? that people don't know that there's something about racial identity. 

do you know what people were saying that day?

"why is that goddamn asian here? she's the only one that showed up"

"don't worry, those kinds don't run very fast anyways"

"she's never been here before"

"people like her just got lucky one season"

"shouldn't she be studying?"

"asians don't ever make it here"

these came from people i didn't know, people that took a look at me and decided i wasn't cut out for the race cuz of my hair, my eyes, my body, my legs, my steps, my lack of experience and training because i didn't practice in club like the others did. i told 2 people this before, and they didn't believe me. they said it was a fallacy, that it doesnt happen in sports. i hate them for not believing me.

i wish i could tell my teachers how i feel. it's come to the point where i have headaches and my eyes hurt and i'm tired all the time.

all the time. 

all the freaking time. 

and all i can think of is how i'm not managing my time well. i'm doing this afterall, arent i?

what am i going to do next year? theres not enough time in this world to recover, and i'm so close to snapping inside my head i don't know how much longer i can take all of this.

i cry every homecoming, every rally because of how stressed i am. now i cry because i cant possibly handle asb with class officer and still be onto living my life.

what life?

me and 6 others are trying to lead a system we know is flawed, hm know its flawed, and its so hard to convince myself and others that it something to love. 

i love it, and i hate what its become. and sometimes, i really hate what i've become.

i feel like i've grown from it, yet i feel i've become a shell because of it. i try to be unique, but i end up becoming everyone else. 

you know what i hate? people think i'm all about extracurriculars. people think im academically unfocused. they don't know what kind of jobs and responsiblities i have to handle. 

and i dont realy know wat to think. i feel like i have to handle so much to the point that i'm about to tip, but at the same time...

doesn't everyone handle the same things? how do they possibly do it?

wow i dont fucking make sense and its amazing how much i don't care.

me

this is what they said about me. hmm.

E: Extroverted

S: Sensing

T: Thinking

J: Judging

ESTJ - "Administrator". Much in touch with the external environment. Very responsible. Pillar of strength. 8.7% of total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test

!!

with the ap test, i feel like this. 

this will be my art blog!

dual action!

revive

i am revived.

but in a different way.

i'm not trying to sound cocky, but i believe i've been immersed in a lot of things. i've played multiple sports, been in different music environments, obviously theres school, and just other various activities.

and theres one i've always pushed in the back of my head, maybe because it was so hard on me my frosh year. 

i miss drawing. i miss painting, i miss the thumbprints of graphic design, i miss the musty smell of graphite on the sides of my hand. 

my friend in lit asked me why i quit art.

i didn't really know what to say. 

we have a lit project. its a journal, but i want the cover to look nice. i came up with a design in my dream, a metaphorical basket of what soldiers carried. but with a rustic, war theme. 

its one of the most original things i've ever come up with.

and i'm not talking about the float designs or the rally posters. i don't count those. 

but i count this. 

i color the war helmet with stains of the camo imprinted in my brain, and only wished it looked as good as it did in my head. i imagine the barbed wire, and wince at the thought of using more sharpie.

it looks to shapely.

it looks too cartoon.

i reach above my desk, push aside the nostalgia of pictures, my car model, small statues- small sentimental things i've collected over the years, and let my light saber fall to my worn carpet. 

i see my stacked boxes, unlabeled, and i find in shock that i remember what was in each one of those boxes. i automatically reach toward the long, flat, tin box striped with its cerulean blue. 

its my pencils.

when was the last time time i touched these? when did i put these to use, delicately channeling the graphite's potential onto the rough sketch parchment? 

i barely take a glance at the tin box and already i can see the dust collected at the top. my fingertips brush aside the lint in residue of stripes, and i remember.

i was 14 when i last used these. its been 2 years. i'm 16 now, but it really feels ages ago. a lot happened inbetween those 2 years. 

i've dealt with one heartbreak i wish i never have to relive again.

i almost went to the junior olympics. twice. 

i fell in love with stanford's model united nations. and realized i could write better than i thought.

i realized how much i missed reading, and loved the meaning of education. it's not a right, its not an obligation, rather, a privilege. 

i discovered my passion, my purpose to serve.

and sporadically, i've lost my will to run.

i wish i knew me, but i don't. and i know its a learning process. but i know this.

i abandoned what i really loved for a long time. 

i'm drawing the barbed wire in my head, and my hands choose the 6b.

the moment my fingertips touch that 6b, memories of portraits, sketches fly through my head. 

no, no, no.

7b.

that rustic, rough, graphite feel that i've forgotten what it feels like.

i need something rough around its edges.

i need something that depicts the war.

i'm such a perfectionist, i have the urge to smooth things out anyways. 6b is that perfect compromise. i need something unperfect. 

roughroughroughroughroughroughrough. 

the tip scours the yellow construction paper. 

its so hard to control, its rough, i've forgotten what this is like. 

i really miss this.

and back to reality- i have to study for bio.

not normal.

i ran today. 

and i didnt want to stop running.

i havent felt that way in at least a year.

i'm talking bout long distance running, the kind where you get bored easily and don't know what to look at.

and there were 2 things on my mind. 

replaying over and over again.

and to be honest, i don't remember the last time i felt like this. 

its not bad, though. 

wow.

i wish i were this talented. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0v3d6SFcDys

i want to share poems with you.

this is from my hearty day at VNA (poetic!), and we wrote poems. 

it is i

the immigrant

knowing that my ancestors were once prohibited from entering the shores along the amber waves of grain

and here i stand, pledging allegiance to the very country that banished my race

the tainted blood we carry, flowing through our very veins

i am asian. they do not believe i am like everyone else. 

before i die, i pass on the memories of this to my children

and hope that the judgements we all once carried are gone

before i die, i wish that the internment camps of my cousins no longer exist

and look toward the future without such discrimination

against me, the model minority

before i die, i awaken to dream of the days where we can truly be called americans

and walk alongside all people without the meaning of race.

this is an edited version:

before i die, i will pledge allegiance as an american

young, full of hope

what does the future have in store for me?

i love my country

so i pledge allegiance

i will hold my head up high, up to the great blue skies

i will place my right hand over my heart

and feel thebeating that soothes my soul

i wish to roam the lands, free to see and take in everything

i wish to be someone who is looked upon as 

brave, courageous, intelligent

i want to be heard

and i want to be seen

so here i stand, pledging allegiance to the very country that once banished my race

the tainted blood we carry, flowing through our veins

and so i pledge

i pledge to fear no more

to look up in the sun and not see a despondent end

but instead see a glowing future

before i die, i awaken to dream of the days where we are truly americans

and walk alongside all people without the meaning of race.

so.its been a while.

yeh so its been a while! hi everyone! again!

i guess its been good i havent been blogging, but at the same time it was very unbalanced due to facebook. as a result, i have deactivated my facebook. to be honest, it feels good.

i feel like i'm really bad with unbalancing my social life. to be honest, i don't always like to hang around a lot of people. and when i do, i feel uneffective sometimes. i'm torn between wanting to be a recluse and be a social butterfly. i wish i could have both, but i really couldnt get more bipolar than i already am. not that its a bad thing, i just see it was one of my quirks.

everyone has quirks. everyone has flaws. i guess i'm just reassuring myself that. 

so mountain view. i got 2nd n 3rd. for the 100mHH, a girl fell into my lane. i jumped over her and jumped over the hurdle right after. i give my knees a thank you. 

which reminds me. my left knee has been hurting for a while now. its like, RIGHT UNDER THE PATELLA AND IS DULL.

and its very annoying. it sucks. but the great thing is, it doesnt feel like the past all over again. 

so about the past.

ever since i can rememeber, i have been injured my entire athletic career (which is extremely scattered). just when i was getting faster for the mile and training for it, i was diagnosed with asthma. i could remember coming home crying, sitting in the bathtub full of ice remembering how much it hurt. it doesnt feel good to be broken, with a pulled glute, 2 pulled hamstrings, shin splints,  and osgood schlatter. not to be all whiny, of course. 

there was the lung. it started in december, where my chest all of a sudden started to feel really heavy. i thought i could run it off. but it was there again the next day. i remember not being able to beat timmy chuang on warmup runs anymore. and it felt really weird. what i didnt know was that i would never be able to run without that heavy chest feeling. not only that, but it feels relaly raw in the throat. my lungs feel a strain, the cough feels raw and heavy. sometimes its hard to push yourself, because theres a conscious decision to make. theres a difference of feeling pain in the muscles from the lactic acid (or more specifically, the hydrogen ions pumped) and the pain in your chest and lungs. its the decision to save your lungs and push 100%, or give out 110% and recover the next couple days.

but its been getting better over the years. 

then there was THE ANKLE. 3 pulled tendons my frosh year in mt. pleasant relays, the one school that has all the state level hurdlers. (btw, state level is pretty much impossible to make.) i remember getting into the ground, 3 point stance, ray telling me to run something i've never run before. i remember the kind of unknown fear you get, kind of like jumping into a hole and not knowing what's inside. i didnt know the pace, i didnt know wat competition was, i didnt know how to hurdle the way high schoolers did. i thought i did, but i really had a lot to learn. and the ankle made me learn. 

anyways, to make a long story short, the last 50 meters before the last 2 hurdles, i landed my lead leg into the hurdle. i came down, landed on the side of my foot, where i heard the muscles tear. i fell chest down with my hands on the track, and right when i knew wat had happened, the hurdle that i stepped on flipped and landed on my back. 

it took me 6 months. 6 months of sticking my feet in ice, and a combination of crutches, braces, therapy, massages and wraps.  6 months of not knowing what would happen. it wasnt even broken. i wasn't broken. 

but the feeling of scar tissue when you do what you love, it really pushes ur buttons, you know?

so why am i talking about this? 

i talked to natasha sakeller yesterday while i was doing warmups. i asked her how to stay motivated. 

i wont lie. 2nd semester is always hard for me, and i'm sure it is for quite a few people. 

she talked about how there were people who couldn't walk. and that God had given her a talent. she said that you force yourself on this track everyday, and theres no reason to half ass.

i don't believe i half ass when i do get to go to practice. but i know i am wrong about this year's season. i am wrong about the way i've approached it, and the way i've felt about it. it feels wrong, i know its wrong, and i know my coach knows it too. we've known each other too long to ignore it. i've taken this for granted, something i've wanted for so long, something that has saved me from killing myself. 

it saddens me that i've forgotten the meaning of what this sport has done to me and for me, and i'm trying to remember. i forget what its like to be so sad about everything, to feel ruined. and thats why i've been taking it for granted this season. 

its going to be my reformation.

celebrity rants.

1. lady gaga is my effin' hero.

2. paris hilton is overrated. i dont know why she's famous.

3. why is miley cyrus famous? i think a lot of people are more talented than her.

but to add in my APUSH complexity, she is pretty good at writing songs. u know she's written over 250 in her life? 

she also wrote a book. her biography. how much can you fit in your 16 years? 

my bibliography would start out with my mothers womb.

"hello, i was a zygote."

... i'll think of more later for my "bibliography" how insightful can i be?

4. can i sing like christina aguilera?

5. i never thought kevin bacon was attractive. ever. sorry.

6. not a fan of tila tequila. in all honesty, i dont think she's very useful to society.

7. kal penn. MAJOR PROPS to the guy. that would be pretty sick, no lie to work for obama.

8. kat deluna's face shape irks me.

!!!

michelle got asked to senior prom at the concert today! other than that, i found it pointless.

i fell asleep in the choir room. i have hay fever.

does it ever bother you when u have food, and the layer of fat solidifies? fuck damn those single carbon bonds. 

anyways with the hay fever, will and i do NOT want to run tomorrow. 

speaking of running, i am now 2nd ranked girl in mv. i'm happy for the 1st, more than happy. she deserves it more than i do. i think the junior rut (at least thats wat i call it) gets to me. something i wanted so badly since i was 10 has now withered away. 

i wanted to maintain 1st. i wanted to go to ccs finals. i wanted to go to states in memory of price. i wanted to make the school record. 

i wanted a lot of things, and now i think its tragic that i really no longer care for them. there really isnt a lot of pressure for me to run any faster. its not like my parents like me running. 

so why does it bother me that i dont care?

i'll write later.

did you know?

did you know that you could live without your large intestine?

cats dont all land on their feet. contrary to popular belief.

my homie nathan hu thinks that whenever i fall over a hurdle, i land on all fours. lol.

not all dogs are friendly, regardless of whether thye wag their tail or not.

whoa.

los gatos meet today! yay!

100HH: 1st, 17.41

300IH: 1st, 51.08 PR

200m: 5th

4x4: 2nd

ULGH finally after milpitas. i feel like things are finally getting better.

i'm really excited for stanford now. im anticipating on getting my ass kicked severely and get more stares on how the asian got in.

i'll add more stuff later.

congrats to my fav: kunal! i hope you like your university of asian food staple.

wednesday: los gatos dual!

thursday: practice w/ 400 :( then open mic night practice

friday: stanford, open mic night

saturday: stanford, casl until mon.

i'm glad i miss monday.

los gatos is my favorite and least favorite meet. i'm so comfortable with that track, just because of k-bell, duals, leagues, frosh soph classics, ccs qualifiers.

wow i go to los gatos a lot. they stare at me like they've never seen an azn chick jump posts. surprise, surprise.

i willl miss racing them next year. i heard they have a good 100HH hurdler. i hope she's not at stanford, but probably will be.

stanford! otherwise known as the great pacific western invitational, biggest in northern california. i dont think i qualify- payne apparently says otherwise. i'm running the 400IH, which i've never done before; i'm a bit nervous about it. i heard its nothing like the 300IH. 

10 hurdles, 1 lap. i think i will hate starting blocks for a moment there.

>:O

midsummernightsdream was really really good!!!!!! i loved it. :D:D

good job, drama!

so. my shift key does not work.

i hate this keyboard.

i wish i liked my laptop more.

anyone hate this weather currently?

taboo

i've read several blogs about this.

and i think you know what i am talking about.

i wish i could have a voice on this, but i don't have one.

not until after this is done. i wish i could stop crying and shaking about what they've done to us- not that its bad. or good. 

but the way they've carried it on to us.

what are you trying to say?

meet.

100HH: 3rd, 18

300IH: 2nd, 51.73

200m: 2nd, 28.98

how ironic is that- my best event has now become my worst event by a freaking second, and my worst event is now my best by almost 3.

and what do u know? apparently i can beat people in the 200. who knew.

mara saw a dead dog on the way to milpitas. and got lost. thanks to me.

i did not see that dead dog.

but it reminded me of the book curious case of dog in the nighttime or something like that. 

its a really good book. however, tedi has it currently.

this semester is the BIGGEST RUT of my high school career.

to be honest, i hate having a sport.

i hate coming home and realizing i have hw to do, only this time i come home 4 hours later.

how does anyone do this?

i end up taking naps. and cant wake up. and almost- halfass hw.

if anyone knows me,  i have an inability to halfass anything because i'm too fucking neurotic.

i am attempting to stay awake with andy varshneya on the cam and eating trailmix. anyone wanna join?