i fucking feel like this.i'm not gonna lie. i'm stressed. extremely, very, absolutely stressed to the point where i feel truly unhappy and am now an empty shell with unsociable, empty conversations.
i hate my grades, i hate my sats, i hate the way i've been built, and i hate what my mentality has become.
ive lost my personality, my soul into a black hole, and i don't even know where it came from.
no matter how hard i try, i never seem to do well.
it sounds like i'm a quitter, like i give up, and i'm so afraid of people judging me; i feel that everyone around me thinks i'm so unintelligent.
and maybe i am, maybe i'm not. i know what i want to hear, but it really means nothing. again, it's only what satiates me for a small amount of time before i wallow.
wallowallowallowallow.
you know i hate?
i fucking wake up every morning. like everyone else.
but i wake up, knowing i didnt run a leagues.
i didn't run. I DIDN'T RUN. i didnt runrunrunrurnrurnrurru;lkfdsaj ;lkjfdsa ;lkjfdsa;lkjfdsa
my stupid, fucking, ap test that was completely horrid and it ruined MY season.
i ruined part of my own season, and i admit it. and i'm sorry for that.
BUT I DIDNT RUN.
i think of gilroy everyday. i remember last year, on a saturday that was 103 degrees and i was on the verge of dehydration. i was tired, sweating out my spandex, and nervous to the point where i wanted to go home.
i hated what people were saying. don't they know i'm right in front of them?
u know i hate about cupertino? that people don't know that there's something about racial identity.
do you know what people were saying that day?
"why is that goddamn asian here? she's the only one that showed up"
"don't worry, those kinds don't run very fast anyways"
"she's never been here before"
"people like her just got lucky one season"
"shouldn't she be studying?"
"asians don't ever make it here"
these came from people i didn't know, people that took a look at me and decided i wasn't cut out for the race cuz of my hair, my eyes, my body, my legs, my steps, my lack of experience and training because i didn't practice in club like the others did. i told 2 people this before, and they didn't believe me. they said it was a fallacy, that it doesnt happen in sports. i hate them for not believing me.
i wish i could tell my teachers how i feel. it's come to the point where i have headaches and my eyes hurt and i'm tired all the time.
all the time.
all the freaking time.
and all i can think of is how i'm not managing my time well. i'm doing this afterall, arent i?
what am i going to do next year? theres not enough time in this world to recover, and i'm so close to snapping inside my head i don't know how much longer i can take all of this.
i cry every homecoming, every rally because of how stressed i am. now i cry because i cant possibly handle asb with class officer and still be onto living my life.
what life?
me and 6 others are trying to lead a system we know is flawed, hm know its flawed, and its so hard to convince myself and others that it something to love.
i love it, and i hate what its become. and sometimes, i really hate what i've become.
i feel like i've grown from it, yet i feel i've become a shell because of it. i try to be unique, but i end up becoming everyone else.
you know what i hate? people think i'm all about extracurriculars. people think im academically unfocused. they don't know what kind of jobs and responsiblities i have to handle.
and i dont realy know wat to think. i feel like i have to handle so much to the point that i'm about to tip, but at the same time...
doesn't everyone handle the same things? how do they possibly do it?
wow i dont fucking make sense and its amazing how much i don't care.
