oh, right.

i remember why i don't wanna go home.

what's the meaning of home anyways? they just leave in the end.

oh good, it's break.

the title is supposed to be sarcasm - it's one of my many talents. deadpan cynical humor makes life a little more bearable, i'd like to think.

when i'm back here, i think of how i felt that you were what it meant to be home. that when i return its like i never left but at the same time it is all so foreign and mysterious to me. i forget my roads sometimes, the faces seem so vague, but you helped ground me. probably in a really bad way.

right now i dont feel anything anymore. i'm so tired. of you. of me. of me thinking of you. i have dreams about you every night and all i can think about is why i can't let go of you. am i not enough? good enough? ur the only one who can make me feel perfect just the way i am, an escape from any pressure there is, and someone i completely trusted because i thought i was special to you. that i knew more about you than others, that i could be just as much as a friend as you were to me. you became what i consoled in, my comfort, my hope that maybe all this gushy shit existed.

i dont know what youre thinking. or feeling. if what you are doing is all just a lie and a front. but maybe what was considered us was all a lie and a front too. that all i was was a girl you could just go to so you would feel less shitty about being alone. that i was just someone you could take advantage of. that the day you said you loved me, u just needed some sort of vice to make you feel better.

i want to regret, then forget, then move on like it never happened. i wish it never happened. this sick twisted us lasted over year and all of a sudden its like all i know how to do now is keep the past alive.

because i'm really good at being composed.

i don't miss you as much, but i miss your family and it sucks that i don't get to be a part of it. i don't think about it as often, and it's pretty proactive for me to be mad at you for the first time in my life. i saw her the other day and it made me miss all the get-togethers and dinners and seeing them all together and it was a comfort to know what great people they were. and theres you.

i love how you don't let me express how i feel. merry fucking christmas.

you.

you. you made me be done with you.

you can go for any other person, because i'm sure you think that you can get anyone you want. and you do. and thinking about it makes me so angry at you, and sad because sometimes i feel i lost the best person there was for me.

i hate you now. this is the third time. you know, all this time i thought we were waiting for each other, and like that one republic song we were always running back to each other because that's essentially what we always did. that in the end, after everything you did to me, i still loved you. that before i went to bed, i wished for your hand to hold. not just a hand, your hand. that it felt i was so far away and no matter how far away i was from you my feelings didn't change. that i miss the way you held me and told me you wouldn't leave, that i was different, and that i was special. and no matter what, you still felt the way i did even when i had left and was long gone.

and it was you. you are the only person who i can never say no to, think irrationally, be down on my knees and beg you not to leave another time. that i am willing to put myself out on a limb for you, bring myself so low to have you again. and it's only you. that you can make me feel like there is nothing wrong with me, that i'm perfect the way i am, that i don't have to feel so inferior when i'm at school compared to all of the gorgeous girls on campus. that without all of my titles, pressure from the world, when i am stripped of all of those things you will still love me and my composure.

you say you have changed, but in the end you tell me it was a mistake, you never loved me, and it cannot be. after you set me up. three times.

it has been over a year, you and i, and even still after all this time it never seems to end and sometimes when i feel i should not be irrational i think that all of this time must mean something. that it is still you in the end, all of you and your family and being a part of your life that only i was allowed into.

do you know what i needed from you? to know what you wanted. or what you want. i cannot have you be a coward and ignore me and then tell me after a month that you still want me in your life because all you feel is something empty and live a half-assed life without me. i needed you to prove that you meant it, that it was different, the situation changed, that i could finally put my faith and trust in you like i once had.

but you cannot keep doing this to me, teasing me that i am that one you cannot be without then tell me it will not work. i'm done. for the first time i feel defeated, so done with the rest of the world that i don't have the drive to do anything else in the world and i realize that i am now left feeling rotten, empty, and more and more unhappy as each day passes. i hate you, i hate you for what you have done to me, what you are doing to me, and all of the emotional abuse that i just cannot take anymore. i hate you so much and all i can do is think about how much i don't understand you and wish i did.

ah damn.

i know i'm not supposed to, but i miss you. sometimes.

but when i do, i miss you so much. and all i do is sit for hours and think about you, hope you're thinking about me too, wishing things were like it once was. i guess.

you are not my logic, or reason, or anything that makes sense for that matter. but i guess i liked that sometimes. in my eyes, you were my other half. the part of me i could live without but lacked. but i don't always like to think it all through, whether it is/was right or wrong, good or bad for you and i, or just you or i.

but when i go to bed i imagine you are lying next to me holding my hand. when i wake up i think of you, you looking into my eyes waiting for a conversation to erupt.

i think i've moved on in the sense of where i am now is where i belong, i dont know if i want to go back to what there was before, but just to know that theres something in the future. i think. or not even the guarantee, more of the possibility. that we will all progress and we'll talk again, laugh again, look at each other and just know this is what being happy is supposed to be.

or what feeling safe around a person is supposed to be.

i'm glad i'm here because i can never see you and i may never let myself see you again. but i miss you. so much. and sometimes i wish you knew that. and sometimes i wish i knew what you were thinking. and how you were feeling. you're pretty bad at that, but i think you make more of an effort to express yourself when you're with me.

my soap opera life

ta-da, it's my soap opera life. and i forget to wish 11:11, and i silently pray to ask god what is the reason these things happen.

i think i am a hopeless romantic. not sometimes, all the time. it just depends on how much i can actualy supress it.

can you consider this a midlife crisis?

i'm changing. this is like emotional and mental puberty for me all over again, where i'm questioning whether or not i made the right choices. i'm not sure.

but for one, i miss my litap class more than anything in the world. god, what a great class. it reeked of everything beautifully intellectual in the humanities.

but i digress.

i used to feel like this:

now just pretend the mirror isnt there anymore.

the week after i graduated, i put away all my MV stuff. like, all of it. i guess my thinking was that if i was able to put it all away, the nostalgia would never really sink in. i could focus on college. a college that i should look forward to going to. now i feel a little numb, a little empty, a little bit of nothing all around.

i spent four years in an institution working my ass off, which i think really fit my personality. but now what? i don't have much of an identity anymore, stripped clean of everything that created me and i've created in turn. not that it wasnt partly my fault. i knew this was coming, and being so numb to it all i just didn't know how to handle it. i'm terrible at all of this stuff.

i'm terrible when it comes to relationships with others, especially the attachment part. wow, i'm kind of shitty at it all. i'm even more terrible when it comes to goodbyes. it's like nothing really affects me anymore. i realized that my priorities came before my friends - my friends were last, and i think i came out of high school completely alone. not ALONE ALONE, but i guess more like no social group, no one who asked to spend time. yeh, it seems somewhat pathetic and really pitiful. well, i should be thankful for what i do have. couple people to talk to online, different kinds of guys n gals willing to hang out at any time of the day, those sort of things. when i'm not sitting on my ass (which is in a lot of pain, btw) those are the things i look forward to most. well that and tutoring because 1. she's learning stuff 2. i make money.

so it has come to my realization (hence my purpose of this post) that a lot of things and people in my life post-graduation have seemed to disappear off the planet, and i didn't really do anything about it. i decided to take a break. a REAL BREAK. after 4 years of none and with intern opportunities not quite fitting to my ever-so-short summer schedule, my summer is completely and utterly free. shocking, eh?

here comes the shits n giggles. with all of this free time, i have been sitting on my ass for too long and now i have a chronic cramp. but more importantly, all of my nothing-to-do lists and hours on the clock waiting to be spent at warped speed with double booking schedules have all now accumulated. and it is..... halfway through summer????? since i have nothing to do, i spend a few hours tutoring, always a few hours dedicated to hangin' one-on-one with people, and then this. the lonely quiet where i realize that my identity, the busy part of me, seems to no longer exist. so what am i now? the lazy bum who once had dreams to change the world? the tightass organizer with a resume that had everything and now has none?

i WAS the person i wanted to be - there was a reason why i did so many things back in those 4 years - i wanted to erase everything bad from my past, everything bad when i came home and realize i could BE so much better than that. and now, i have new things. i dont have a plan, and i have time. the most distressing combination ever. i strived to be ambitious, charismatic, energetic - it seems almost silly to complain about it when i was on asb and felt i couldn't always handle the pressure so i shut down. now that it's all over, i dont know what to do with myself. the time makes me feel alone. and lazy. and slow. three things i never want in my life and did everything in my power to eliminate.

i'm afraid i will no longer be strong-willed and independent, i'm afraid that i have lost almost everyone in my life (THAT or i'm afraid that i'm terribly insecure and paranoid as usual), and i'm afraid that not everything will work out for the better. either i have lost myself or have found a new aspect of myself that i have stifled for so long. it doesn't always seem very surreal to me.
well anyways, i have 6 weeks to figure it out before i leave.